Well, it’s December now and everywhere you turn it’s Christmas Christmas Christmas!

Its a bittersweet time for a lot of us.  I don’t know about you but it certainly makes the loss of  James even harder.  I want to enjoy Christmas with my two daughters and my friends.  I try so hard to enjoy the parties and see all the posts on Facebook, putting trees up etc.  But deep down there is a horrible twist in the pit of my stomach, a mixture of sadness and a bit of jealousy.  I know I should be happy for all the people with the little kids, planning for Christmas, the visits to Santa, stressing over what toys to buy but it just breaks my heart.

I want to be the Nana taking my little prince to see Santa, spending hours in toy shops choosing his gifts.  Looking forward to the delight on his face opening his Santa pressies.  But due to SUDC it was all taken away.

I’m not asking people to not celebrate, god knows I’m the first to say to everyone to embrace every moment you have with your family. But, all I’m saying is give a thought to the families who are missing a child this festive period.  We are not miserable spoil sports, but sometimes the season just becomes too much.

It’s been a while since I blogged.  Life’s been busy, leaving my well paid job which I had for 10 years and taking the plunge and setting up in business myself.  Then there’s the parting company with angel Wings Baby and Child Loss support and going it alone as The Baby James Legacy life’s been really full on.

But now it’s fast approaching October. Once upon a time October was my favourite month of the year.  First of all it’s my birthday month, what’s not to love there.  Then I’m more of an autumn person.  I love the cold crisp mornings, the trees changing colours, the autumn sun.

Two years ago I was in full “October” mode, I’d had a brilliant birthday with my football friends, I’d had a lovely weekend in Glasgow with my eldest daughter then a lovely Sunday lunch with my youngest and my beautiful grandson James. Between family and friends life was good.  No it was better than that life was great.  Then on the 10th October our lives changed forever.  James went to bed, a happy healthy little 16 month boy, but never woke up.  SUDC has struck our family.

Now October is the month of death, a reminder of everything we have lost.  We are approaching the 2nd anniversary and I’ve this horrible feeling of dread.  I’m sure a lot of people will be thinking, it’s 2 years, you need to get over it.  But how does anyone do that.  Yes life goes on.  In many ways normal service has resumed in my family.  I go to work, football, meet friends and have fun sometimes, my daughters are at uni, making me proud.  But still there is that feeling, especially near anniversaries of sadness, of loss.

So if anyone is reading this, and have suffered a loss, I think what I’m saying is, yes it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok not to be ok sometimes.  But let your friends and family know. After all they are the people who will lift you up.  Never feel ashamed of grieving.  There is no time restrictions on grief.  Sometimes I wish there was…..

For some reason this year has been hard which has really surprised me.

I was prepared for all the significant key dates, all the firsts, birthday, anniversary of James gaining his wings,  the funeral.  But all these have passed and maybe that’s the problem.

I found myself being super strong after James passing, then all through the first year, something was giving me strength to get through everything.

Then came new year, after that I’ve just struggled badly, this came as a huge shock.

I think for me it’s the realisation of all the things that I won’t be able to do, all the future memories that we as a family will never have.

Im sure I’m not alone and I’ve come to realise that losing James will be a life long struggle for us all.

So what has this taught me, well it’s let yourself grieve, don’t hide emotions.  Some won’t understand but your true friends will.  And that’s what is important.

Its been a while since I’ve done a blog, life got busy, life got difficult, life got hard.

But that’s the way life is after such a significant loss.  We got though all our firsts, 1st Christmas without James, what should have been his second birthday, anniversary of his passing then the anniversary of his funeral.

The first year came and went, people started to move on, you think those would be the worst times to get over, but no, your strong and prepared for the firsts, everyone works hard to support you, you work hard to get through the day.

But tomorrow will be 16 months since James never woke up, he was 16 months and 10 days old on that day.  So very soon we will hit another anniversary, the one where James has been gone longer than he was with us.  It’s these anniversaries that hurt more.

So now, we keep living, keep remembering, but it’s a different type of life now.  We don’t want sympathy, that’s not what this blog is about.  It’s asking for understanding, some days we will be sad, you will see no reason for it, but that’s how life is now.

This is the question every parent asks when they lose a child to SIDS or SUDC.

Deep down there is always the hope that there was a reason why your precious healthy child never woke up.

You go to the meeting with the pathologist and they tell you that you did everything right, your child was healthy, well looked after.  So where does that leave you.

You would think being told you did everything right would make you feel better, but no it doesn’t.  It just leaves you with the million dollar question, WHY.

And that is a question with no answer.

Its that time of year again, the build up to Christmas has well and truly started.  All the adverts are on now showing the perfect families, kids opening their gifts on christmas morning, big smiling faces.  The shops are full of things to buy, the christmas music is blasting out.

But spare a thought for those who don’t have that child to buy for this year.  I would love to be going to the toys shops, spoiling James rotten, but that wont be happening this year or any other year.

Times like Christmas are very hard for family’s who have lost a child, theres anger, sadness and upset.  So be gentle with those familys if they don’t want to take part in the secret santa or wear the jumpers.  And please please please never complain about christmas being too stressful, take time and spend it with your loved ones, that’s worth more than hundreds of pounds of toys.

We were blessed to have had one christmas with James and for that we will always be grateful, not everyone is so lucky x

It’s hard to describe to somebody who has not experienced the death of a child what its like.  Grieving is never easy.  The death of a spouse, friend or anyone important all bring their own pain, but there is something about the death of a child that is particularly hard to bear. When that child is your grandchild, dealing with your own grief, while having to witness the anguish of a bereft son or daughter, can feel like a double loss. One grandmother commented that this double loss is not more of the same. It is different, a grief unique to grandparents.

So all you grandparents out there, yes be strong for your children but make time for you, deal with your unique grief.  There are places to turn for support.  everyone’s needs are different but there is always support out there.